What lies ahead of me?

2014/03/29 Graduation Day at Miriam College

Six years worth of college, 1 1/2 years worth of leave of absences, depression, disdainful voices shouting in my head, terror professors, tons of International Studies readings, a few bitchy schoolmates, friendship dramas:

I CONQUERED THEM ALL!

Just last March 29, after all these years, I finally marched up the stage and received my diploma from our dearest President, Dra. Rosario O. Lapus and from our college dean, Dra. Caridad Sri Tharan. I smiled at them politely and gladly received my college diploma from them.

But before the moment I could get my hands on my diploma, I reminisced the hardest times I had in college. As my memories would tell me, it was the 30th of June 2010 that I encountered something at home. I got into a petty fight. This certain encounter led me to hear superior voices in my head. Disdainful voices that tell me that I’ve done something gravely wrong. Before this happened, certain family issues occurred in summer 2010: arguments and me running away from home. I got disoriented before classes resume. With nowhere to live at, I spent my weeks transferring to several homes. We got a new home just before the classes start. We don’t have any internet connection, cable TV or anything that I can get any new information. The day of enrolment came, I came from Tarlac. I noticed people’s glances at me. I just shook them off; telling myself that it was nothing. But as the 30th of June came, I came to realize that something was indeed wrong. I got into a fight with my neighbours. You wouldn’t believe this but… (I myself until now thinks that this thing is still unbelievable for me too. But it did happen.) I suddenly can communicate with my mind. It was like my mind was open. I’m sort of aware what people called me back then: open mind. The people I was able to talk to then with my mind told me that I was the person shown in the news: a college student studying in MC who is crazy. I wouldn’t want to believe at first. I was already feeling so down since all I hear were negative things. My soul was being drained. In order to clarify this, I attended class on the same day. Again, I noticed people’s glances but I again brushed it off. I took all my courage to go to school to clarify things. I did my report on my first class. But the second class blew me off. Blockmates were giving me disgust stares. I cried my heart out and left the room even though the class wasn’t done yet. Students stared at me and yelled ”Oo, siya yan”. One moment that I couldn’t forget is that one student came up at me and said “Oo, siya yan.” (Yes, that’s her.) I couldn’t forget that since she was my highschool batchmate. I know your face. I still know your freaking face. I hurriedly ran to the guidance office. I continued crying at the guidance office. Ms. Bel, our guidance counselor, asked me questions and consoled me. I was asking her if I was shown in the TV, heard rumors/scandals about me, if someone posted a video of me in youtube or something but according to her, NOTHING. I was really clueless. CLUELESS. HELPLESS. I was feeling so stupid cause it seems like I was the only one who doesn’t know anything. I want to just cry and throw a fit. I wanted to strangle myself. I wanted to strangle people. My father came and took me to my psychiatrist. I asked her the same questions but all she can tell me was that I was sick. I was already depressed and that I needed to be confined immediately.

Days passed. I still keep on hearing angry and scary voices. Voices that let you feel inferior. Voices that disturb your soul. Voices that tell you that you need to be positive. But how the hell can I be positive when all I hear were negative? All I felt was inferiority. But now that I’m alright, I keep on asking myself, why did I not fight?

One terrible thing I can’t forget is when we visited a mall. One kid yelled “Sya yung nakita ko sa TV!” (She’s the person I’ve seen on TV!) Then all people looked at me. That moment was very horrible since it felt like I was on flame.

All these disturbing memories: I really wish that I can erase them. If only I have the power to erase certain memories, I would do so. Because of these memories, I have the burning desire to kill those people who hurt my soul. Because of this too, I’m having trust issues.

I am actually afraid that people will still reject me because of the thing that had happened (that until now I’m still clueless on what really happened). If you know, could you please enlighten me what really happened? Was a video of me taken and posted on youtube? Was I on the news? Were there rumours/scandals? Whatsoever? I just want to have a closure.

To the person who is reading this, will you still be with me after all the things you’ve read? Will you still be with my journey of chasing dreams and making them happen?

Everything happens for a reason.

Despite the terrible things that had happened, I still look at the bright side. Without filling a leave of absence, there wouldn’t be a need to go to the guidance office. I wouldn’t meet Ms. Bel, my guidance counselor. I wouldn’t meet the friends I got in the 2014 batch. I wouldn’t become a JENESYS 2.0 delegate. I wouldn’t be able to take the Japanese language as my minor. I wouldn’t be able to meet the wonderful professors I had during my stay in school.

Please also don’t laugh if you came up to this point. I did not imagine these things. All of these were all from my memories. Please don’t laugh at people who became depressed.

What lies ahead of me?

I have to be positive to continue living.

If you ask how I am now, yes, I am feeling much better than before. Though I’m still in medication, I am much better than before. I now have the courage I need to live and go on. People would often tell me to already move on but I just can’t forget all these hurtful memories. Please help me forget them by making happy memories with me.

Without the people who encouraged me to go back to school, I wouldn’t be able to get my diploma. 

To my dear parents and family, Ms. Quebral, Dra. Pascual, our former Dean Shahani, Dean Tharan, Ms. Francisco and to Ms. Fortin, thank you so so much! To all of my friends as well, thank you very much! Also to the whole JPop fandom, thank you so much! I can’t thank you enough for still being there!

I HAVE TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

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Let’s always and forever chase and make dreams. 

Ysa <3

P.S. - Have you watched the Korean drama “THE HEIRS” starring Park Shin Hye and Lee Minho? I GREATLY RECOMMEND THIS DRAMA! <3 I’M ON THE THIRD ROUND OF RE-WATCHING IT. SEE YOU AT THE NEXT POST! /lewinkwink

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11 April 2014 ·

どうも!

Welcome to Ysabel Andrei's land of dreams! Ysabel wishes to inspire everyone to chase after their dreams.

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Contact me directly at: ysabelandrei[at]gmail[dot]com




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